Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Power to Tear Someone Down

Recently, I have hit a rough patch in my life. Things have gotten busier, colleges are hounding me trying to get me to believe that their school is the absolute best place for me, school is harder, AP exams are looming on the horizon, scheduling has started....so many changes that it's making my head spin. But some things were still stable. My family is still there for me, school is harder but its still school, I'm still excelling in the pool, and my girlfriend was still a definite. Things have changed. The relationship is in a state of limbo and one of the most important legs of my table of stability is now wobbling, unsure of whether to topple or stay strong. And my feelings are now in question, which led me to the realization that when you are in a relationship that you put everything into, and then its over or in question...you are changed.

When you have someone that you give everything to, or when someone gives everything to you, you have granted, or been granted, an enormous power over that person. You hold their happiness, their...whatever you want to call it, in the palm of your hand. You can crush it or you can cherish it. Or cherish then crush it. You hold them in your hand. When things are going great its awesome, when their not...someone gets hurt.

I always told myself when bad things happen that I wouldn't cry. Granted I'm not generally a teary person, but there are things that get to me and I just can't help it (like a good swift chop to the nose). Anyways, when I first discovered signs that things were breaking down, I told myself that I wouldn't cry, no matter what happened. I lied to myself.

I never fully realized how much I had given to my relationship...until that relationship was thrown into question. Granted, the end is not here yet, but that possibility is there. It's harder than I thought it would be. I never fully realized how much of my power I had given away til all that power was given back to me. It was a lot. I was devastated. Everything that I had thought would last forever was gone. My power was back...it overwhelmed me.

When feelings are strong, you don't fully realize what you do. Things get glossed over. You forget about yourself. You forget about what you are giving away. You give your all...and when your all isn't enough you don't know what to do with yourself. You are torn down. Feelings are powerful things, beware of what they can do to you. Don't let your power get lost or it might get used against you. Beware of giving someone the power to tear you down.

And so I go.

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